Linkology: The Best of the Internet for 9/16/11
Last week I told you I would help you write a compelling letter or email to help you ask your coworkers to sponsor your kid in his or her fundraising event. So here goes. You may think this advice is nutty, but trust me: since I’ve been using it, I’ve been very successful in having people pledge their support and then not pay. If that ain’t results, nothing is.
See, the key is to be an utter lunatic. Be entertaining. The more out-there you are, the better luck you will have. Why? Because people don’t really care if your kid swims 40 laps in a pool to help his class win a field trip to a go-kart track where he will inhale enough gas fumes to have dreams about chocolate unicorns for weeks. They do care about seeing what nutty thing you’ll say next, so they figure that by supporting your kid, they will ‘subscribe’ to whatever crazy stuff floats out of your brain.
I happen to be a lunatic, and you, well, you’re probably sane. You probably can’t do lunatic stuff. So below I have created a template for you to use when writing that oh-so-critical first email asking for your coworkers’ support. But first, here’s the standard tripe you’ve probably seen and ignored before:
Hi!
My son Robert is trying to raise enough money so he can go to a zoo and see nature in all its glory. He and his class can really use your support; if they don’t raise the funds, their field trip will be in jeopardy.
To that end, I’d love for you all to sponsor my son in his Zoo Walk. You simply pledge however much you want per mile, and he walks three weeks from now. That’s all there is too it!
Thanks! He’s super excited!
Stan
See how boring that is? Nobody really cares. We all appreciate that funds are tight and fundraising must be done to expand the educational curriculum these days, but really, what’s in it for the pledgors? Nothing. That’s why you need to be insane. If they’re going to give you money, then at least give them entertainment.
Hi! I use exclamation points because I’ve drank my bodyweight in coffee already today! WooHOO!
My son, Bob, is a Savannah Cat. Sure, he looks like a seven year old human, but nope: he’s a cat. I won’t bore you with the biological ins-and-outs, but suffice to say he can clean himself using only his tongue.
Bob’s school is taking the class to the zoo in a few weeks, where Bob hopes to be reunited with his jungle-class feline bretheren. The school doesn’t know this of course, so that’s between you and I. But see, the school misappropriated funds dramatically last year, and now they’re so broke they can’t even afford shoelaces for the building. In other words, if Bob wants to go see his Aunt Maggie in the Serval Cat exhibit, he needs to come up with some coin.
The school is sponsoring a walk in which kids will be implemented as labor and forced to walk as far as they can in hopes of raising money for the zoo. Now you may be thinking, “Whoa — your son is a cat and you want me to sponsor him walking? F1 jungle cats can walk for miles, man! It’s what they DO!” And you’re right, so you should be very careful in bidding on what you’ll sponsor per mile. You think that if the amount gets too outrageous I won’t come and collect, but you’re so totally wrong. Remember, my son is a Savannah Cat. They’re carnivores, in case you’re wondering.
Thanks you guys! I seriously love all of you. I also need some gum.
Stan
Boom. Instant results. And maybe job loss. But results of some kind for sure, I promise.
(And no, no links today. You should just go and practice what you just learned.)
Have a good weekend, everyone.
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More links:
MIPRO Consulting main website.
