Linkology: The Best of the Internet for 7/15/11
I have a Bengal cat. I was told that Bengals are high energy and fun, the kind of pet that would negate what I always considered cats to be: lethargic, antisocial sociopaths of the domesticated pet world. Looking back, I was told all this by the same people who say clowns aren’t terrifying.
It goes like this: one day, a breeder came out to the house to show me a Bengal kitten. I thought this was innocent enough. He and his wife would come for a while, a tiny, miniature tiger would slink around my basement for a bit and chew on things, and then everyone would leave and I’d go back to Google Reader or scouring Reddit. No big deal.
If you’ve never seen a Bengal kitten, it’s the purest form of cuteness in the known universe. Take a puppy, give it a squeaky, mewly voice and wrap it in unicorns and cupcakes and you have a decent approximation of how cute a Bengal kitten is. I won’t go on, but they’re irresistible. The breeder knew that, and that’s why the jerk was always smiling when I tried to tell him ‘I’d think about it’. An hour after having the Bengal run around the basement, the breeder left my house with a check. That I wrote him. I was left with this fur-covered ear machine:
His behavior was what you’d expect from a creature made of moonbeams and baby sighs: he’d curl up next to you, emit high-pitched squealy mewls and jump in the air trying to chase random molecules that he thought were attacking him. It was pretty awesome. Was.
Fast forward about a year.
The notorious side of Bengals is that they’re several generations removed from much-wilder cousins, like actual Bengal tigers, and that if they’re not properly entertained, they evolve into attitudinal chewing and/or destroying machines. They have instincts that run deeper than mere housecats, and frankly, they start to exhibit a feline hubris that reminds you of their lineage. What sort of behaviors? Funny you should ask:
- The Waking You Up Because It’s Time to Eat, Not Sleep, Dummy Behavior: At 5 AM, it’s time to meow and play with a small plastic ball that rolls around a track and makes as much noise, somehow, as a strip mining operation in your bedroom. The purpose of this is to enrage you to the point of aneurysmal vasospasm so that you erupt out of bed and feed him already.
- The I See You’re Not Waking Up, But I Can Fix That Behavior: After initial meowing and ball-playing fails to yield a sentient human who will feed him, it’s time to sneak up behind you in bed and start pawing your back. When this doesn’t lead to immediate results, claws are clearly required, and this involves miniature scalpels being forced into your back flesh until you wake up.
- The I’m Bored and It’s 3 AM and Hey, Let’s Make Some Noise Behavior: Involves finding the nearest bathroom shower faucet knob and gnawing on it in the middle of the night so violently that it sounds like a month’s worth of sewage is coming up the pipes. (The logical reaction to this is to take a video of it, of course.)
- The I Haven’t Thrown Up in a While, So You’ll Have Fun Tomorrow Morning Behavior: Finds foam ball that belongs to son’s Nerf sniper rifle, eats the entire thing, then vomits in several places in the house, like the dining room table and your bedroom and your hair.
- The Have These Other Stupid Cats Forgotten I’m, Like, a Tiger? Behavior: Randomly and savagely attacks the other cats in the house, often resulting in yelping, snorting brawls that leave you convinced that one or more cats are seriously dead.
I could go on, but really, you get the point. I had been had: what began as a small, cute, rather awesome house pet evolved, in the space of a year, into a brutal, self-interested mini-killer that runs the house. If I ignore him, I am very literally afraid that he will try to eat my face in the middle of the night. You see what he did to that faucet knob, didn’t you? Not cool.
So yeah, Bengals. Everything you wanted in your borderline savage house cat, and more.
By the way, I keep referring to him sans name because he went through several name iterations:
- Started with Buddy
- jumped to Enzo
- then to Monkey
- and finally settled on OH-MY-GOD-THERE’S-THAT THING AGAIN
Here’s a recent picture. It was taken in broad daylight but his pure savageness blacked out everything behind him. Pretty sure this happened in The Exorcist too.
If I had a choice between seeing this in the middle of the night or breaking my own jaw with a golf club, I know which one I’d choose.
Anyway, so I don’t give nightmares to myself, here are a few links to get my mind off this stuff:
Speaking of cats, here’s a video of how to deactivate one. Nothing like a fear of a parent, huh?
Does grunting help tennis players win?
Indiana schools can now decide to stop teaching cursive if they so choose. Seems like a great idea to me. Instead, focus on keyboarding skills at a young age.
Have a good weekend, everyone.
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More links:
MIPRO Consulting main website.
