TV and Internet: Customer Retention Games You Must Play

I have two main ‘entertainment’ providers at home – my live casino uk, which ironically I don’t use for TV, just internet, and my TV provider, which provides satellite TV. And before you say something: yes, I know I can get both from my cable company, but trust me when I say the picture is nowhere near what satellite gives me, and the company is horrible to work with, so dealing with two companies is actually preferable. Barely.

The internet speeds I get from my cable data service are excellent I use it for game with my hyperx cloud pro headset and everything run smoothly. The TV service I get from my chosen satellite company is great, and the picture trumps what I can get with cable HD.

So what’s the problem? The problem is the game I’m forced to play every 11 months.

The only way to keep rates reasonable with providers like these is to be on a promotional plan. If your promo plan blows up, your rates skyrocket, and within months, you realize your kids aren’t going to college anymore.

Every 11 months (literally, I have a reminder in my calendar), I get to pick up the phone and slog through a game with each of these providers. This game goes like this:

ME: Hi. My promo plan will be expiring next month, and I need to find out what’s available to me so my rates don’t go bananas.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: I’m happy to help you Mr. Ventura. Let’s see what we can do here. [PAUSE] Ooh, I see. You’re not a new customer?

ME: Um, no, I’ve been with you guys for four years. That’s how I got your promo plan in the first place.

CS: Well, would you consider adding our Internet telephone service? We could add that for only $9.99 per month?

ME: No, thank you. We don’t have a home phone. I just want to make sure my bill doesn’t go up when the promo ends. So really, I’m looking for a new promo plan.

CS: I see. Hmm. Well, we could give you a full year of Showtime for only $15 dollars a month. That’s an option for existing customers.

ME: Well, see, that adds to my bill, and I don’t need any more channels. Thanks though for the offer. [PAUSE] Do you have any plans, promo or not, that allow me to keep my existing monthly rate?

CS: Huh, well, no. When your promo ends, your monthly rate will increase by $49 per month.

ME: See, that’s nutty. What about the promo I hear about on the radio all the time? That’s pretty much the price I’m at now.

CS: Unfortunately, that’s for new customers only, sir.

ME: So 4-year-old customers in good standing cannot get a promo?

CS: Not that one, sir. I’m sorry.

ME: Is there anything I can do to prevent my rate from going up next month?

CS: I don’t see any other options, sir.

ME: Okay, well, I guess I need to cancel my service, because I’m not paying an additional $49 over what I pay now. Just can’t make that work.

CS: Certainly, sir. I’ll be happy to transfer you over to Account Cancellation.

ME: If you have no other option, please do that.

CS: Certainly sir. If you’d just hold a moment…

[PHONE RINGS]

CS #2: Hello, this is Customer Retention, how can I help you?

[Two things at this point: (1) the department name wasn’t lost on me, and (2), the first CS rep disconnects from the call.]

ME: Hi. I’d like to cancel my service.

CS #2: Oh no!? May I ask why?

ME: My promo’s about to end next month, and the rate will jump to something I’m not willing to pay, so I’ll be looking into [COMPETITOR].

CS #2: Let’s take a look at your account. It shows here you’re on such-and-such promo. Is that right?

ME: Yep.

CS #2: What would you say if I told you I could keep you on this plan, andknock $5 per month off your bill just for being a loyal customer?

ME: I’d say that sounds pretty much what I’ve been asking for for 45 minutes.

CS #2: Oh no! Haha! I’m sorry about the inconvenience, sir. We value your business. Give me one second…there. You’re all set. You are renewed for 12 months, and your new rate is $5 dollars cheaper than your old rate.

ME: Literally just like that?

CS #2: You bet, sir.

ME: Well, that sounds pretty terrific. Thank you.

CS #2: Not a problem, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

ME: Nope. That’s it.

Elapsed time on the call: 50 minutes. My next call was to my Internet provider, where it was the same bob-and-weave: I had to walk up to the line of quitting before they gave me a promotional rate again.

Total time sunk into the dance: almost 2 hours. And I have reminders in place 11 months from now.

(Seriously.)

When the day comes that the TV and data provisioning markets are truly, wholly disrupted by Google or Apple or Amazon or whomever, I’ll be the guy on my roof with a beer and bullhorn celebrating their demise.